Office Crushes.

21 12 2005

Everyone has them.

I have had a few of them (okay a LOT of them, who counts anyway?). And now I’m going to tell you about some of them.

Crush #1: Tapered Guy.

Tapered guy was my first office crush. When I first started working at my job, I noticed a lot of things right off the bat. I worked with every single person over 50. I never saw anyone aside from me and the Contracts Assistant who is a few years older than me here under the age of 30. Until I saw Tapered Guy. I happened upon him by surprise, because I would walk the long way to my office when I first started working here. I knew one way around and that was the route I took every time I came to work. Until I wised up and started walking around, familiarizing myself with my surroundings. When I was brave enough to start walking the newer and faster route to my office, that’s when I spotted him. He looked so young, dapper and utterly charming in his shirt and tie. He looked like he would be tall if he were to stand up straight, and I was a sucker for tall guys. His hair was a bit long, not as clean cut as I would have liked it, but his hair wasn’t overly long where he had to put it in a ponytail which I detest in a man, but his hair gently grazed his collar and gosh that was uber sexy to me. He had a pair of those come hither sexy eyes that were usually paired with a set of trendy glasses, gosh he looked like a nerd but what a sexy nerd he looked like. I walked by his office nearly everyday just to get my hottie guy fix. And every day he was there to give me a sweet smile and a quick, “Good morning,” *sigh* This is what office crushes were made of.

And then he stood up.

I try very hard not to be particular of what guys wear, but some things are just beyond my control because this gorgeous man sitting, was not so gorgeous to me standing up. He wears tapered pants. And when I say tapered, I mean REALLY tapered….his pant legs gathered at the bottom and practically hugged his ankle, so much so that they threatened to cut off the blood circulation in his ankles, when he stood with his legs together his pants had that balloon effect thing going, where he looks like he stepped into a hot air balloon and decided to keep them on as pants. It’s not cute. I tried so very hard to look past the pants, but every time after, I would smile at him and in my head, tight tapered pants floated before my eyes, haunting me with images of Screech from Saved by the Bell and it got so bad that I stopped walking past his office and began taking the long way to my office, it’s horrible. He’s gotten a lot better in the pants department now, but I know him now, we’ve talked more and the image is ruined for me, he will now and forever be Tapered Guy to me.

Sometimes it happens like that, but as crushes go, when one crush vanishes away, another one is just waiting to begin.

Enter Crush #2: The Husband.

The sexiest thing a man can possess for me is an accent.

British, Australian, Scottish whatever, accents turn me on. And when you put an accent on an absolutely gorgeous tall, dark and handsome man, I’m going to crush on your ass. And that’s how it was with “The Husband”. He’s a thirty something year old man from London, England. He’s working with us doing some engineering work and he just looks smart. He’s breathtakingly gorgeous in a slick suit but the man is to die for in a pair of jeans and an England Rugby Tee Shirt. Gosh, the man is just in your face sexy and he is the absolute stud of the office. If you were to look up Stud, you’d find Peter’s picture as the definition, this guy is so smoothe and suave and he knows what he’s talking about. I’m talking David Beckham gorgeous with the brain of Albert Einstein and the deep British accented voice of… someone with a deeper voice than Becks (mind blanked there). You can tell by the looks of him that he’s a no nonsense type of guy and he probably has a matching gorgeous wife, because *sigh* he IS married.

And what cracks me up about my infatuation with “The Husband” is that what I detested in “Tapered Guy” I actually really dig in “The Husband.” You see, “The Husband” wears tapered pants. But his tapered pants go well with his suit, they’re not super tight at the bottom, making him ankles look like their screaming for oxygen. And his pants are fitted, not baggy which is a big difference. But yesterday, Peter’s fitted, tapered pants showed me the evidence I needed to move from “crushing” to full fledged, “infatuated”…this is how it happened.

I walked into the break room to get a cup of hot chocolate because it was really cold in my office, while I’m inside the break room, I come across my friend, Sharon who is taking the new lady in her department around on a tour of the building. She comes in with the new lady who is an older lady, in her late 40’s or so. And this is how you know Peter is a stud. Peter walks in and greets both Sharon and I by name. We both say hi, and then I stop talking. Because seriously this guy is super uber hot and his beauty always takes my breath away….and my voice. LOL. Well anyway, so Peter sits down at the table and waits for us to finish getting our hot chocolate and then he notices the older lady, and you guys her face was flippin’ priceless. She looked like a love struck teen age girl who was just presented with her teen idol. Her mouth was ajar and everything.

Peter immediately stands up and brushes his hands on his pants and holds his hand out for the older lady to grab and shake. She is completely transfixed by Peter and she doesn’t see his hand is extended. He gives Sharon and I a concerned look and we both just shrug our shoulder, I’ve got a huge grin on my face and he blushes because he knows what’s up. The old lady has a crush. He must get it all the time, so he excuses himself, grabs his coffee and leaves. The lady follows him and goes to the restroom, and as soon as they both leave, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is:

“Dude, he’s got a big dick!”

Sharon starts busting up because she said, “I know, he’s got a big schlong!”

Hehe, we saw Peter’s downstairs. It was awesome. And now I freaking love the man.

The thing about office crushes though is, they can never be kept secrets. Sooner of later, someone in the office is going to catch you oogling your office crush and they’re going to find out you’re secretly in love with him. They’re going to hold it over your head and blackmail you into doing whatever they want, to keep their mouths shut. Such is the case with…

Crush #3: The College Intern.

Every once in a while there will come along, an intern. Someone who is still in college who is looking for some office experience and will come and intern with your company. We’ve got a new intern in our office, who has been working with us every friday for the past four months. I didn’t notice him until about his fourth week working with us. He’s in project control and so I don’t ever see him around, but his office is on my new route to my office, so I see him A LOT when I first come into the office. He goes to college in La Jolla and works here in Los Angeles once a week. When I first saw him, I immediately ran to my office and called my office co hort, Sharon to ask her who he is because she works in Security and she would have had to make him a badge. She didn’t know who I was talking about so she came up to see for herself, she’s smitten as well. The boy looks like a damn man. He’s got nice broad shoulders, blazing blue eyes that remind me of hot summer days at the beach, with a beautiful blazing blue sky above and sand beneath your toes. He’s tall and well mannered and has a voice that belongs on nighttime radio, seducing you over the airwaves with love songs. Boy do I look forward to Fridays now.

And I’ll admit it, of course I got all dressed up the past two fridays, hoping to engage him in some witty office banter and show him that I do know how to dress up when the mood strikes. So there I was, rocking my new outfit that I bought just so he could see, wore it to the company Christmas Potluck, hoping to get his attention. We’ve had some pretty cool conversations, I was feeling his flirty vibes, I just knew it was only a matter of time before we were hitting the sheets. I don’t want a relationship with him or anything, I mean he’s in college for crying out loud, how serious could a relationship be in college, right? Which would make him uber younger than me, but I was okay with it….just one night was all I wanted, right?

The fucker didn’t show up.

He was no where to be found and we find out later that he had that day off because he had some class stuff he had to do in San Diego. No biggie, I thought. I have next week to dazzle him with my gorgeous locks and drop dead outfit. So the next friday, there I am, rocking another to die for outfit…

The good for nothing assmunch is not in the office today.

*sigh* I have since given up, and of course I don’t tell anyone that I got all dressed up to wow the intern, how dorky would I be then, eh? (and if you guys tell anyone I will hunt you down and kick your dog!) I tell everyone that I have dinner plans after work and won’t have time to run home to change, so I’m going straight from the office (I’m SO the best liar!) and so yesterday me and my cohort are walking downstairs and we pass his office which is empty, which doesn’t surprise us since it’s only Tuesday. My co hort walks up to his supervisor’s office door and says hi, she’s a really nice woman, her name is Shari and she literally cracks me up (and I secretly lust after her husband when he comes by the office, think Ryan from All My Children, HOLY ORGASM he’s a stud!), Sharon (the cohort) asks her where Nick’s been. She’s like, “Oh I don’t know, I haven’t heard from him so I don’t think he’s coming back, I think his internship is done. If you ask me, I think the only reason he took the internship here is to be closer to his girlfriend, she goes to USC.” My crush for the guy is now completely crushed. Sharon not comfortable with the wink she got from Shari, enlightens her with a quick, “Oh I don’t like him, Dylan does.” I turn beet red. Shari tells me that she’ll keep it our little secret and I just rolled my eyes and walked away.

It’s time to leave and I’m walking down to the parking lot when I hear male footsteps above me, before I could look back, Tapered Guy smiles down at me and says, “So I hear you like the intern!” I stopped walking and just looked up at him, I can’t be any more embarrassed because it’s impossible. He informs me that, “Yes, everyone knows and yes, you’re blushing.” I inform him that he’s on crack if he thinks that I like a little boy. (oh sue me, so I lied, like THAT’s a surprise) And then he tells me that Nick is 19 but he then tells me that he secretly thinks it’s really Sharon who has the crush, I laughingly shrug my shoulders and walk away from my very first office crush. It’s funny how your office crushes evolve from crush to acquaintance to friend. I would say that Tapered Guy is one of my office friends now, and even though he makes me laugh uproariously sometimes, I still think he’s a dork for wearing tapered pants, even if they’re not that bad anymore.

The office crush has been around since the beginning of the business world, sometimes it’s harmless, sometimes it can be pretty harsh, but what fun would office crushes be if they didn’t embarrass you from time to time? And plus, now that I’ve been ousted for one of my silly little crushes, it makes planning my revenge all the more sweeter.

I’m thinking post its all over her office and desk is too nice for the likes of her. How about a picture of her first thing in the morning (NOT a pretty sight), sent to everyone in our network?





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