Every Family Has One…

15 06 2006


…a crackhead, that is.

Our family crack head is my 13 year old niece, Chelsea. You see, the reason I say this is because not only is she a ditz, most of the time she’ll say things without thinking and they usually get her a “I can’t believe you just said that” look from me or a scowl from her parents because the girl and her sayings are just out of this world. But not only does she have these off the wall sayings, but the things she gets herself into when she’s bored really are quite imaginative….and retarded.

Let me share some of the experiences I’ve come across with this girl. Now, we come from an LDS family, we’re not the best or the most righteous of LDS families, since a whole lot of my brothers and sisters are inactive and I curse like a sailor. (Hey I grew up with a bunch of boys and we live in L.A., what do you expect?) But anyway, we grew up with strict rules we had to follow. No boys until we were 16, no cursing, no tight and revealing clothes, no sex before marriage (shows how much I listened to this one, huh? hehe) and blah blah blah. Chelsea was raised no differently from me.

And because we’re Mormon and we’re Polynesian, naturally we have a HUGE family. I’m talking I have 9 brothers and sisters and Chelsea has 6 brothers and sisters. A joke in our family is that everytime B and her husband go out of town, someone (I started this one) will tell them, “Don’t come home pregnant” and sure enough, they come home pregnant with someone. The last three kids were out of town presents for us. The first time I said this to B, she came home pregnant…..with Chelsea.

I should have known she’d be a crack head then.

You see, Chelsea is a special child. Check out some of the stuff she says and does.

A few weeks ago, B and her husband (Chelsea’s parents) were going on a date, something they haven’t done in a long while, it was actually last month for Ron’s birthday. They’re getting decked out and I’ve got movies and what not for the kids at home, since I’m babysitting. So, while we’re all sitting on the couches watching TV, waiting for my other nieces to come over, Ron comes into the living room and announces that they’re heading out. I nod at him, he’s across the room and the other kids are saying, BYE DADDY and what not and what does Chelsea say?

“Hey Dad, don’t be silly, protect your willy!”

What the hell? Who says that to their Dad? Chelsea’s dumbass does. We all gape at her like she done lost her mind and Ron makes a strange face at her and shakes his head and walks out. I guess he told B because I heard her cracking up in the front. Chelsea thought it was funny, so she joined in B’s laughter….then we all started laughing.

Another incident is for the Family dinner for Ron’s birthday, we went to Home Town Buffet and we’re all sitting there eating dinner, laughing and just having a good time and Chelsea begins telling us about random things that happened at school. Here’s the story, EXACTLY how she told it…AT THE DINNER TABLE.

“Hey, so there’s this guy at my school, named Carlos, he’s really hot and today I found out he thinks I’m hot too, you wanna know how I know he thinks I’m hot? Well, I’ll tell you…you see, he came up to me at lunch and said, ‘Chelsea, you’re like Subway, everytime I think of you, I get a foot long.'” She starts laughing hysterically and then continues, “and then he told me, BOING Chelsea, BOING!”

At the FLIPPING DINNER TABLE in front of EVERYBODY.

B has told her more times then not that she can’t hang out with me anymore and really? Can you blame her? I mean, of all of the Aunts in our family and Chelsea’s other family, I’m the one that she’s closest too. She tells me EVERYTHING and I really do mean EVERYTHING, she even tells me when she gets out of the bathroom if it was a single or a double flusher, because I SO wanted to know those things. She chats to her friends from school online sometimes and so she’s taken to saying, J/K Smile, which is a chat thing for “j/k =)”…she walks around saying this and because I thought it was funny at the time she told me, I NOW say it too and it’s become our thing that we do.

Now, let me fill you guys in on the latest bonehead Chelsea bright idea.

You see, for the past couple of weeks my sister and I have been fighting over stupid crap and then Chelsea and Chloe have been fighting over every little thing and it’s just been non stop tension all over the damn place at our house, which is normal for any family but a couple of days ago, the day of my rant over the curling iron incident, B and I came home from work to find all these small pieces of paper with a red ? mark all over them, posted everywhere, on the stove, the TV, the DVD player, the washing machine, the rock outside on the walkway that leads to our front door, inside my shirt drawer, I’m talking if we owned it, there was a red ? mark taped to it. When we asked Chloe what they were, she told us that Chelsea was walking around posting them up everywhere, so since it was Chelsea’s turn to do the lesson for Family Home Evening, we figured it tied in with her lesson, so we didn’t think much on it until the next morning. You see, we didn’t have Family Home Evening this week because Ron was out with Chance at his practice and they didn’t get home until late, so we had to forgo our FHE this week.

Well, B went into work early on Tuesday so while we were all getting ready for the day, she called because she found a ? mark on her steering wheel and then on her sun visor thingy. So she calls us and talks to Chelsea. Her question, “What’s the deal with all the ? marks?” Chelsea’s answer? “Oh that, well I was bored so I put those up, I’ll take them down after school.”

She hangs up with Blanche and starts cracking the hell up, me and Chloe are looking at her like she done lost her marbles so I ask her, “So what WAS the deal with all the ? marks?” She smiles at me and starts singing, Where is the Love by The Black Eyed Peas.

Have you guys seen the music video for this song? There’s a bunch of freaking question marks all over the damn place, while Will I Am is rapping about Where the Love is….and because we’ve been fighting all week, she was wondering where the love is, she wanted to remind us that we’re a family and we should love each other….so I guess even though she didn’t get to teach her lesson, she really did teach ME a lesson…

Okay, so maybe she’s a cute crackhead, but still…LOL.

*YAY, I can upload pictures again, woo hoo!*
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