What’s Stuck Up Her Ass?

6 12 2006


I have this friend here at work that I sometimes love to death because of the cool things she does for me and then I sometimes hate because she drives me insane.

Lately, she’s been doing a lot of driving me insane things more than the sweet things so I’m starting to really not like her. And really, it’s three main things that I just can’t stand about her and no amount of telling her about herself, aka checking her about those things has changed a hot damn thing and I’m just about ready to throw in the towel with it all.

I need to vent this out so I’m just going to list the things that she does that drives me up the wall and what I’ve tried to do to tame her ass down.

#1. The way she oogles hot guys.

When we first became friends, it was because we both shared a love for International hotties, I remember telling you guys a while back that a foreign accent melts my insides and every year, Mulu and I attend the IRB Rugby 7’s Tournament, which used to be held here in L.A. and this tournament is filled to the brim with international hotties. I invited her to come with us to the tournament and she happily agreed. When she got to the tournament, I swear Mulu wanted to strangle me. Not only is she stupid about the way she oogles guys, she’s so stupid that not only does she make the ones witnessing her oogling red in the face, she also has to go one step further and embarass the hell out of the guy she’s oogling. Like Eye Candy Dan. My friend Theresa used to have the hots for this guy that we know socially, named Dan. We dubbed him Eye Candy Dan because Therese thought he was really cute. Well, he was at the tournament we were at and sitting a few seats away from me and Mulu. We were all having a good time, cheering our team on and just joking around with each other when she notices Dan.

She couldn’t just tell us, “Dang, he looks good!” Like we’ve been doing all day long. Oh no, she’s got to stand up, stare him down until it looked as if she was sucking his soul from his body and then she’s gotta say, “I want a picture of him” She gets her camera phone out and hands it to Theresa and tells her to go and get a picture, by this time, EVERYONE and their Mom was embarrassed but does that deter her from her purpose? Oh no, she rushes Theresa over to take his picture and when Theresa stands up, Dan and his friends are standing as well and Dan is making a beeline out of the damn stadium with his snickering friends following close behind and you would think that that was the end of the story right? Oh hell no, my friend starts shrieking, “HE’S LEAVING, HE’S LEAVING, GET THE PICTURE GET THE PICTURE” like some damn lunatic. I could have drowned myself in the toilet, I was so frickin’ embarrassed.

But she’s like that with EVERY HOT GUY that comes into her line of vision. It’s super embarrassing when we see one of the Rugby guys that works with us. We’ll see him when we’re walking to the Cafeteria and he’ll always stop to say hi or whatever, but you can tell that he doesn’t want to because my friend stares him down and checks his ass out while he’s trying to say goodbye and walk away. Then there’s the Husband, who we all know that I want to marry (if he wasn’t already married) he’s very nice and friendly (which goes against everything I’ve heard about British people but there you go) and so I’m not sure if he’s just blind to the way she undresses him with her eyes or if he’s just used to, I’m thinking he’s used to everyone undressing him with their eyes since he’s so hot damn beautiful, but everytime he comes into the hallway and we see him, I try my hardest to run away before she can make an ass out of the both of us.

Ugh. It’s horrible.

#2. Her constant bitching.

The woman clearly has it in her brain that someone here in the office building is out to get her. Why? Because the guy she used to work with had this big grudge against her because he held her responsible for their boss getting laid off. If you asked me, the reason why their old boss got laid off was because the punk ass was never here. My friend did the work of both her boss and her own work and yet the boss was getting paid this insane amount of money to delegate ALL of her duties to my friend. It was common knowledge around here so why he holds my friend responsible for it, is beyond me but some people are just stupid you know? Well anyway, ever since her big boss got laid off and was replaced by the new loser who is her boss, she’s been very bitter about the way that the little man has turned everyone against her. Or so she thinks.

From an outsider’s POV, I think that all of this hogwash is totally in her head. No one treats her any different than they treat others, with polite indifference and yet she swears that everyone is out to get her. I have told her time and time again that nobody cares enough about her to do all of the stupid things she says they’re doing. So they didn’t say hi to you in the hallway? SO WHAT? They got really quiet when you walked into the room, SO WHAT? If they were talking about you, then let them do it, dont’ let them get you down because they’re stupid. You know that half of everything they’re saying isn’t true so why do you let yourself get down because of what they’re saying about you? LET IT GO…don’t let them dictate the way your day is going to turn out. I have told her so many times that she chooses to let them bother her, she chooses to stay pissed off at the world because of things she can’t control.

She’d be a lot happier if she’d just mind her own and just go on with her business. I know that there are people in this world that hate my guts, but I will not let them get me so riled that I’m going to be pissed off every minute of everyday. I don’t care about them so why should I let them bother me? That’s what they want. They want to make her miserable and she’s the dumb one that’s letting them.

No amount of talking will shut her up about all this crap either, she just loves to stew in her own misery. And I’m just about done with tolerating her shit. It gets really old having the same damn conversation about how much everyone hates you.

Ugh, shut up already. And that’s why her frickin’ ringtone when she calls me is SO WHAT by Field Mob and Ciara. It fits her perfectly, I think.

#3. She’s Miss Know It All.

She’s so consumed with her body image that it makes me sick. She is NOT skinny, she is NOT the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen but when she chooses her personality can make up for all of that stuff. I’m so tired of her telling me how pretty my hair is and how pretty my clothes are, how cute my shoes are and then telling me how fat she is and how ugly she is. It’s like, the way you present yourself to the world is how everyone is going to see you, Sharon.

She went out for this job and she didn’t get it, oh it was because she’s fat and ugly, she really thinks that the only way to get ahead in life is by being a skinny, pretty bitch. And I’m like, “How the hell do you figure that Sharon? If that’s true then what the hell is Bill Gates doing being rich? And Donald Trump? Do NOT tell me that you think he’s hot because according to you, only beautiful people can get jobs and get paid…”

I mean, seriously?

*rolls eyes*

Oh and because she’s got dark skin, she’s not black or anything, she’s just a foreigner from Panama, but because she’s “black” everyone thinks bad things about her before trying to get to know her. And before I met her, I had not heard one thing bad about her, but she swears that because she’s “black” everyone views her in a bad light. It’s like, “Where the hell do you get your crap from?”

If that’s the case, then why does everyone like and respect all of my other black friends at work? Why do they not have the same problems that you do? Me thinks the problem isn’t black people but YOU sweetie…seriously.

And you can’t tell the bitch anything either. She knows it all, so don’t think that you can teach her anything, because if it’s not something she wants to hear, she won’t hear it. We see a movie trailer for something, the first thing out of her mouth is some hogwash backstory on whatever it is the movie is about. We hear a song on the radio and she’ll tell you where Chris Brown got his inspiration from, it’s like, SHUT UP and listen to the damn song, SHEESH! You hand her a dollar bill and she’ll tell you what George Washington was thinking when he cut the cherry tree down.

It’s like SHOOT ME NOW!

We’re at a place in our friendship now, where I will bitch at her to just shut up. She says something smart and sarcastic about something, I’ll be sarcastic and bitchy right back to her, even if she says something about someone I dont’ like at work, I’ll still bitch at her. She thinks that everyone is nice to me at work, because my sister works here and she’s known as the Office Angel.

Bitch please, maybe they’re nice to me because I’m nice to them and I don’t view them as a potential backstabber before I’ve even talked to them. She’s driving me up the frickin’ wall, I stopped asking her to go to lunch, I’ve stopped answering my phone when she calls, because I just can’t be arsed to feel sorry for her anymore…that shit is OLD! And she knows that until she can get a hold on her attitude and her thoughts, I won’t be dealing with her anymore but I feel bad because without me there to steer her away from the people that I know don’t like her, she doesn’t have much else.

Which is why she’s moving to Florida just as soon as she’s done with school. And though part of me feels bad for her, because she’s all alone out here while her family is all together in New York, I can’t help but count down the days when she’ll be GONE!

Ugh, there’s my vent of the week!




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