How Am I Supposed to Feel?

9 02 2007

This is probably going to be a long rant, so I’m warning ya’ll now…I need to vent this one out.

A few years ago, believe it or not, Mulu and I had a bigger circle of friends than we do now. We had the normal circle of friends that got together EVERY weekend and hung out and went and did all sorts of fun things just because we could. We talked on the phone everyday or every night, we had deep, meaningful conversations with each other, we had hopes and dreams and we were just there for each other. There were 3 guys and 3 of us girls. Great memories to be had with these people. I love these people.

But sometimes, the people that you love hurt you. What do you do then?

Of the guys in our little circle of friends, I grew to be close with Brett. Now, let me tell you guys how long I’ve known this guy. My parents and his parents have pictures of me and Brett when we were in diapers, that’s how long I’ve known him. There’s a picture that always gets talked about in both of our families of the bucket picture. The bucket picture was taken when I was still in diapers and Brett was young enough to run around in just his underwear and in one of the pictures from our childhood, Brett is in his underwear and I’m in my diaper and he’s pushing me around in this bucket at the park.

Now let me try to paint the picture of how close our families were. His older brother Bryan and my older brother, Henry? Best friends. His older sister Ingrid and my older sister Ingrid? Childhood best friends. His oldest sister Ina and my older sisters Blanche and Helen? Yep, you guessed it….Best friends. So because so many of his family and so many of my family was always with each other, we had a lot of family dinners and either they were always at our house or we were always at their house.

When we were younger, Brett was really close with Pete, my younger brother. He would always spend the night at our house or Pete would always spend the night at his house. It’s just how things always were with us. Me, I wasn’t so close with him so I didn’t spend the night at his house, instead I spent the night in Compton at, Theresa’s house. (HA! Remember Theresa?)

Anyway, it wasn’t until many years later that me and Brett became close. He used to come to my house a lot and just hang out. He knew he was always welcome, because he was more than my friend, he was a good friend of the family.

So many memories come to mind when thinking about my friend, Brett. He was one of those deep thinkers that was always thinking about something, always wanting to discuss something, he always had some question he wanted us to think about and answer. My brothers thought he was a weird one, but because he’s my friend, I accepted him the way he was, flaws and all.

He was always there when I needed someone to talk to and LOL, he was there when I needed an alibi to get out of the inquisition I knew was forthcoming from my family about my latest boyfriend, who I had stayed out with far too late with. He had my back and lied with ease for me to my brother in law, when he called him looking for me.

Great friend, right?


But then he met a girl, we’ll call her…The Girl.

He was really shy about her when I would quiz him on who she was and what his relationship with her was all about. I could sense that he was really into her so I wanted to be the supportive friend and like her for him.

The first time he brought The Girl around was at my 24th birthday (in November) (right, Tita?) and my initial reaction to her was, “Oh no, Brett can do so much better than her” but it wasn’t my place to say anything and he seemed happy with her, so I kept my feelings to myself. As long as he was happy then that was all that mattered to me. I never left her out of any conversations we had, I made sure she was comfortable with us because if she was going to date Brett than she’d probably become one of us, right?


Slowly and surely, she started dragging him away from our group. He started spending less and less time with us, saying he was just too busy to go out. I had my suspicions on that but let them go because seriously, why would I not take his word for it? We were friends. No need for lies, right?

A few months later, I invited him to Mulu’s 23rd birthday get together (in January), actually that’s wrong because I invited both him AND The Girl. We were going to Medieval Times and then whatever afterward. I invited everyone to come along, even my brother Pete was down to go. He told me that they’d be there but called me not too long before we were all supposed to meet up and telling me that he couldn’t go, his excuse? He had to work early in the morning?

Umm…okay. But we hadn’t seen him in a few months (since I think my birthday or a few Sundays after my birthday) and I thought he’d really come through. Turns out he didn’t and we ended up making it a girls night out. Whatever.

Now, fast forward to March, maybe April of that same year. I went months without hearing a peep from him, I had tried calling him a few times to see how he was doing but he never picked up any of my calls nor did he return any of them. But out of the blue, I’m sitting in my office when my phone rings. I pick it up, surprised to see his number on my screen.

His voice was laced with anger….at The Girl.

He needed to vent, he told me that things between him and her were done, he couldn’t take it anymore and while he was venting about her and how mad at her he was, he let loose about the real reasons he wasn’t around as often as he was before, why he doesn’t pick up my calls, why he doesn’t return my calls and the real reason he didn’t come to Mulu’s birthday get together.

Because she thought going to Medieval Times was childish and stupid and she couldn’t believe that we were actually going to do that for Mulu’s birthday. Oh and the kicker of it all was that if she wasn’t going to go, he couldn’t go either.

I shocked straight down to my toes because she has been nothing but nice to me and Mulu to our faces but according to Brett, she didn’t like us and she didn’t like us hanging out with him….because she swore, we secretly wanted to be with him.


I mean, that’s to be expected I guess when you’re dating a guy who has 2 girls as good friends. But what I don’t understand is why he never stood up for us, why he never explained our friendship to her. Maybe he did, I don’t know but he let her take him away from us. So yeah, whatever.

While I’m talking to him and he’s spewing all this filth about her (he was extremely pissed off at her) he was telling me what he’s done for her and all the things he’s given up for her and she couldn’t sacrifice one little thing that he didn’t like her doing…smoking. He told me that he wouldn’t be so mad at her about quitting smoking if he saw her trying to quit, but she made no effort and it really pissed him off that he’d given up his friends, his life for her and she wouldn’t budge an inch on smoking.

You could tell that he was embarrassed about telling me how she didn’t like me and Mulu and how she didn’t like him to hang around us or talk to us on the phone. On one hand, I understood where she was coming from but on the other hand, I couldn’t believe that he didn’t try hard enough to assure her that we were all just friends. But whatever. His thing though was that he was too honest with her. He told her EVERYTHING, how he used to have a thing for Mulu, how him and I grew up together and had pictures of each other in our underwear, things that would make any girlfriend uncomfortable, but still….I thought we were friends. I’d stick up for my friends, so I was hurt that he didn’t do the same for us.

Of course, I didn’t tell him any of that because he needed to vent his frustrations out, I could tell him how I was feeling about all of that later…we talked for a little bit and I told him that he needed space. Maybe he needed space away from her to figure out if all this anger toward her was something he wanted to keep in his life, I advised him to do what was right for him. If he wanted to stay with her than fine, stay with her but make sure it was what he really wanted. No matter what he chose, I’d accept his decision.

Oh he was vehement in his refusal to have anything more to do with her. He wasn’t going to hide from his friends anymore, if she wanted to be with him, she would have to meet him half way. And hearing him say that made me feel marginally better. So we made our peace with each other and I told him that I’d call him the next day to check on him to make sure that he was okay.

And I did. I called him the very next day to see how he was doing and she answered his phone. I didn’t even get to talk to him, she told me all attitudey like that he wasn’t there which made me laugh out loud into the phone and I knew, I knew that he was going to take her back. I mean, technically he had already taken her back by letting her answer his phone and lie to me because everyone knew that he didn’t go anywhere without his phone, he had to have his phone on him at all times because it was his work phone. He was Private Investigator at the time and so his boss had to be able to get in touch with him at any given time. So yeah, the whole he’s not here didn’t fool me. But whatever.

A few months later, people started asking us if the rumors were true. That Brett was getting married. We were shocked. I don’t know why I was shocked, I guess because we had talked about his wedding a few times and I just assumed that I’d be invited to it. The rumors turned out to be true and me and Mulu, well none of us got invitations.

None of us went to the wedding, none of us asked about the wedding and none of us really talked about Brett anymore, because we were dead to him, so basically he was dead to us. He made his bed and now he had to lie in it.

I heard that he was a cop, of course I already knew about it because he listed me as a personal reference and I gave him a glowing referral because I didn’t want to ruin his chances of being a cop because I knew how important it was to him to become one. I thought it was years off still because he wanted to go back to school but I guess being a PI wasn’t stand up enough for The Girl, so he rushed into being a cop.

After so much time passed, I stopped thinking about him but I never stopped being mad at him. After all this time, you think I’d be over it but I’m not, he dicked us all out of his life without any explanations and I don’t have to like him anymore.

Now, almost 3 years later he comes back into the picture. He shows up at Theresa’s Aunts house to see one of our friends, Miah back from his mission. He wants to be nicey nicey with Mulu and act like the last 3 years didn’t happen, like he didn’t fall off the face of the earth because his wife asked him too. It was a good thing I wasn’t there because I’m not done being mad at him, I’m not done being mad that he let things get so bad between us without so much as a phone call explaining why he couldn’t invite us to the wedding, an email to let us know what happened and why, NOTHING…he wants to cry about how he has nobody in his life anymore, nobody that he can talk to or vent his frustrations to, how he doesn’t have any friends anymore, how her friends are his friends and he’s not his same self anymore but how he still loves his wife.

Yeah, that’s what you get for kicking the people that cared about you out of your life without a word. It was a big kick in the teeth to find out that you were getting married from my sister that lives in Vegas. I hope you’re happy…but it doesn’t look like you are.

Well tough noogies, Brett.

Am I supposed to feel sorry that he doesn’t have any friends anymore? Am I supposed to feel bad for him and forgive everything because he doesn’t have anyone to vent to anymore? Call me a bitch but I don’t think so. How am I supposed to feel?




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