With this week being Strengthen the Family week at Church, I have found myself reevaluating my life and thinking a lot about my daughter. Now, I’m not going to lie and say that all is peachy in my life right now and that I have the perfect life and the perfect family and the perfect friends, because if you’ve read my blog before, you’d know that for the lie that it is. I’m not perfect and neither is anyone in my life and I actually prefer it that way. But I’ve been watching my daughter for the past couple of weeks now and have realized how imperfect I am.
I’m not feeling very good about myself right now so if you’re looking for the carefree, happy go lucky posts that I usually supply here at Coffee House Banter then I’m sorry to disappoint, come back in a few days, maybe I’ll have one of those posts up but for today, I need to blog about me…and some sappy sad crap.
Brenna is going through some stuff right now that is making me feel very, very bad about my mothering skills. I’ve never claimed to be the best mother in the world but I thought that because me and Brenna were so close that I was doing pretty good, that we were doing pretty good.
I’m not so sure anymore.
You see, during the summer I spent a lot of time, hanging out with my friends. If I wasn’t at some Church function then I was hanging out in Compton and while I’m blessed in the I don’t have to worry about babysitters way, I think I took total advantage of it. Brenna was never alone because she just went everywhere my sister took her kids and she loved going with them so I just let me staying out with my friends while Brenna going out with Blanche and the family go on because it didn’t seem to me that anything was wrong with it. There was always something going on and something to do and because I’m Miss Itchy Butt, I wanted to be apart of all of it. I didn’t want to miss anything and that had some to do with looking forward to seeing Nathan at these events, hanging out with my friends and just you know, being a young adult. A young, carefree, adult.
Something, I clearly am not.
Carefree, is not how you would describe a single mother. Responsible? Yeah, one would hope. Caring? Yes, definitely. Out hanging out with her friends while her daughter waited up for her to come home? No, no, no.
Brenna has taken to asking me at every turn, where I’m going, who I’m going with and when I’m coming home. She calls me twenty million times a day just to make sure I’m coming home and that I don’t forget about her soccer practices, her soccer games and anything else that she feels I need to know…twenty million times a day. It drives me insane and sometimes it annoys the snot out of me because I’ll be in the middle of working some big closeout project and she’ll call me four times in a row, just to tell me one little thing. Over and over again. I snap at her to wait until I come home and we’ll discuss things and then she starts to cry.
I don’t know why I didn’t see Brenna’s behavior coming, I mean, she’s very …mad at me. And she doesn’t want to be, she just loves me and wants me to stick around more often, she said as much last night. It makes me sad because, if things weren’t so rocky between me and my friends, would I have noticed it? During the summer, I was so wrapped up with my friends and doing what I could for my Ward, that I didn’t even know I was neglecting my daughter. I brought her around some of the time but not all of the time.
Well, last night I had a long talk with her. She’s been acting up and she’s been doing poorly in school (well not really poorly, just not applying herself as much as she usually does) and my sister was telling me that she’s acting this way because she needs to get my attention some way and this is the only way that I seem to be paying attention to…HER and not ME.
I can’t believe how self absorbed I’ve been in the last couple of months. Even Nathan mentioned it to me a few weeks ago but I didn’t pay any attention to him, I just shrugged it off and didn’t think there was anything wrong at home when there totally was. Talking to Brenna the other night has opened my eyes to my behavior and has helped clear the air between us. I had me a good cry because I haven’t been doing right by her lately and we promised each other that night that we were going to do better. She was going to do better in school and not act out so much and I, well, I’m going to be a better Mom. I’m going to listen to her and spend time with her and just….be there for her. I never want to feel this way again and now that I know that things aren’t all peachy between me and Brenna, I’m glad that I understand where she’s coming from…gosh it sucks when you’re shown how wrong you are by simply doing what you want to do.
I’m lucky to have Brenna in my life because she keeps me grounded, she keeps me wanting to be better than I am and I know that without her, I’d totally be lost and that’s not me being corny, that’s the honest to goodness truth and I need to face the wrong that I’ve dealt her.
From here on out, it’s all about me and Brenna, just like it always should have been. I’m only sorry that it’s taken me this long to realize it.