Hot Guy Nightmares!

Oh gosh, funny things have been happening to me lately, because yesterday on my way home from work, I was driving along, blaring my UB40’s Greatest Hits when I stopped at a stop light and looked over to find a really hot guy that reminded me of Josh Duhamel (shhh Ames, he was hot this guy!), he was bobbin’ his head to whatever music he was listening to. He had broad shoulders, a strong back and a pretty boy face, I’m talking he was heaven on the eyes he was so hot.

Well anyway, we get to another stop light and he pulls into the parking lot for Starbucks and parks close to the street and since I was still at the stop light, I was totally checking him out, my window was down and I was just two lanes over so I had a GREAT view of him.

He parks the car and then opens his door and gets out.

And I flinched back because the guy had some ‘short pants’ on with get this….CLOGS. I’m not talking those wooden ones that you use to dance with, I’m talkin’ straight up black clogs with the wrap around chain thing with a buckle. THAT kind of clog.

THIS kind of clogs:

Umm, WHAT THE HELL? Those shoes were made for girls. It totally ruined my day that I called Holly to complain to her. He totally ruined my whole checking out routine by getting out of the damn car. What manly man would walk around wearing those? I mean seriously…the wrap around strap that ends with a buckle? AND it had a heel….I’m telling you guys it was wrong…totally wrong, you just don’t do that, you don’t have such a nice face and nice shoulders and great everything and then get out of the car wearing flippin’ CLOGS, it just aint right.

*sigh*

Maybe THAT’S why I stayed up until 4 o’clock this morning, I swear I had visions of clogs running through my head all night and I just want it to go away!

*sigh*

Crap.

Is There No Hope For Me? *sigh*

So, I’m watching my Mom this weekend because my Dad and sister went to my Dad’s brother in law’s funeral in Hawaii and because my Mom has to be taken care of, I’m the one that is taking care of her…last night, she sent me and Chelsea to the store to get some stuff for the house so Chelsea and I went, grateful to get out of the house.

We walk into the store and instantly spot a cutie patootie shopping by himself. We giggle like little school girls and forget about him because we lost sight of him. So, with our list in hand we get down to the business of shopping. Now, both Chelsea and I like to talk, so we’re talking about random things, mostly Chelsea is telling me about her day at school and how some girl is spreading vicious rumors about her at school and how she wants to get back at her. So, then we start plotting revenge on this nameless girl and just having fun with it all.

I had some jeans on that rolled up to my calf with slippers and then a plain tee shirt that I got from Target, trust me when I tell you that I wasn’t looking my best, my hair was thrown up into a messy bun and I had no make up on and Chelsea didn’t look any better.

We were in the bread aisle, singing Light My Candle on the Rent Soundtrack, Chelsea was Roger and I was Mimi, so we’re talking in song and totally doing the motions or acting like we’re really in a play (yeah the things we get into when we’re bored) I even had a candle that I kept holding up to Chelsea while I sang my part. We were totally serious while doing this, because whoever laughed first had to buy the other a Rock Star, so there we are singing in the aisle when someone starts chuckling in back of us, I didn’t pay much attention because I knew the part where Chelsea ALWAYS starts laughing is coming up, so I keep singing, but then Chelsea makes this stupid face and sings the part where Roger says, “I used to be a junkie” and it all became too much because I started laughing and then I couldn’t stop and Chelsea is looking all embarrassed so I turned to see what she was looking at and Cutie Patootie is standing there looking at the both of us, with a big ass smile on his face.

Now, usually nobody pays us any mind, whenever we go into a store, we can do whatever we want, nobody pays ANY attention to us but last night, Cutie Patootie stayed and asked us what we were doing.

We told him what we were doing and then we start cracking jokes at each other (me and Chelsea) and then he starts chatting me up. Asking me random questions and you could totally tell he was digging me, even I could tell, he’s one of those tall and beefy guys, probably a football player or whatever, but the guy was a cutie. So, I’m all over this one, I’m not necessarily spitting game or whatever (because that’s his job) but I’m totally getting excited becuase this guy is cute and he’s bright and he’s totally into me, so he asks me for my number and I give it to him and then he asks me….”So what school do you go to?”

The way he said it, gave me pause. I looked up at him and asked him, “What school do you go to?” All cheeky like.

You guys, he’s a flippin’ senior in High School and he goes to the same high school, I GRADUATED from 8 FLIPPIN’ YEARS AGO.

I threw up in my mouth and ran away while Chelsea doubled over and laughed her ass off.

I swear, shit like this only happens to me.

How I Met My Ex, Paul.

It’s all Suzanne Brockmann’s fault too. Really it is.

I picked up Into the Night by Suzanne Brockmann because a lot of ladies on this bulletin board that I posted at were gushing about it and being the nosy person that I am, I picked it up and zipped right through it and fell in love with Mike Muldoon, WHOA he’s one hot stud, but more than Mike, I developed a bit of a crush on Sam Starrett, one of the secondary characters in the book and I read Into the Night, not knowing there were many books that came before it.

I zipped through the other books, felt a bit bad because I paid more attention to Sam’s budding romance with Alyssa Locke then to the main couples in the other stories. Couldn’t help it, I was obsessed with reading more about Sam and with each and every other book that I read, I became a bit more obsessed with him and reading his happy ending, if anyone deserved a happy ending, it was Sam f**king Starrett.

By the time I reread Into the Night (it was the last book at the time) I was more than in love with Sam, I was freaking obsessed…ask Izzy, she’ll tell you just how obsessed I was. Sam was all I wanted to talk about, read about (I can’t tell you how many times I read all of the Sam/Alyssa scenes in EVERY book up until then). I would hear songs on the radio and I would try to make the song somehow relate to Sam, seriously??? It was bad.

So bad, that I wanted my own Navy Boy…didn’t have to be a SEAL (although it would have been mighty nice) *sigh*. But I didn’t know anyone in the Navy, all of my friends were in the Marines, but yeah, whatever…I came across a post on the bulletin board talking about being a pen pal to the soldiers serving overseas, soldiers that are away from their homes and everything they know, this person who posted this message was urging us to become pen pals to these soldiers, so that they have mail to open and I thought, BINGO! I can do this.

How the pen pal thing worked, is you would send a message of your own and send it off to this site. Your message would get sent to all of the soldiers inbox and whoever wanted to respond to your mail, would and wah lah! You’ve got yourself a soldier pen pal or two or a hundred. After I sent my mail, like an hour later, I had three responses in my inbox, so I read them and sent another email back to each of them, thinking, how cool is this???

When I woke up the next morning, I had over a hundred emails waiting for me in my inbox from all different soldiers on different boats, in different cities, just all over the damn place. I was flabbergasted that THAT many soldiers, wanted me to be their pen pal. A huge chunk of them were only interested in seeing naked pictures of me and those were the ones that got weeded out real quick. But there was another huge chunk of them that really wanted to get to know me and so in order for me to weed more of these guys out, I started a questionaire and sent them out, I would read ALL of the replies and if I liked your answers, you got another email from me, and if I didn’t like your answers, it was the end of the road for you. I continued to ask question after question until a few weeks later, there was only about 3 guys that I corresponded with that I actually liked.

I wrote them every day for like a month when one of the guys (Paul), asked me if I was still writing all those other soldiers, I told him that I only keep in contact with three guys but I had a crush on one of them. There was one of the guys that I thought was so flippin’ hot and for that reason alone, I kept him around, never mind he bored me to tears with his emails, I just liked to look at him, so he stayed. Some of these guys were something else, they would email me some of the craziest things and Paul, would ask me about them, some of the guys he knew, some of the guys he didn’t, but he became my confidant. I would ask him, if this guy is a jerk, I would have him read some of my emails and some made us laugh and some emails he’d tell me, “STAY away from this guy, he’s crazy!”

Paul and I got so close that I completely neglected the other guys and paid attention to only his emails, looked forward to reading only his emails, I developed a serious crush on this guy. We emailed everyday, sent pictures everyday and when he didn’t get an email from me, he would email me telling me he missed me and was thinking of me and couldn’t wait to hear from me again and then the word babe and love you tons would sneak into those emails and then…and then the phone calls started.

The first time, it was 4:14 in the morning but I stayed up and talked to him for two hours, when his calling card ran out. We talked on the phone once every other week, but we emailed each other everyday. The first time I talked to him while he was drunk on the phone, he told me that he loved me.

I was shocked. We had corresponded for just about 8 months and the closer it got to him coming home, the more excited, anxious and scared I became.

When he came home, he drove out to see me. Said, he couldn’t go one more day without seeing me. Boy was I scared to death. I live with my sister and so, she wondered who I was running off with, but didn’t say anything because I’m grown. I rushed to Paul’s car and we went out.

We had dinner at our favorite restaurant and we talked, we held hands, everything was perfect. I liked what I saw and he liked what he saw and everything was great. We went to the movies to see The Italian Job and (yes, this is when it happened FRIENDS) and then we went back to his hotel room.

We didn’t mean for it to happen, didn’t plan on it happening (okay this is one big ass lie, we SO knew it was going to happen but were powerless to stop it, we both wanted it too much, I’m just trying to deslut my image, LOL, I swear I’m not a hooch, I swear it!),…but one thing led to another and we did the wild monkey dance and I swear I saw stars, I didn’t want to leave, but knew that I had to get back home before my brother went to work, so at about 5am, Paul and I wake up and after a really quick one and then an even quicker shower and then a lot of kissing, groping, losing my shirt and then finding it shoving it on and finally he rushed me home with a promise to come over a little later, he was really anxious to meet my family and I was scared to death, but I put my key in the door and took a deep breath, thinking alright, this is it. Be calm. Everyone’s sleeping, I can just slip in and go to sleep for another couple of hours before I have to get up.

Boy was I wrong.

My brother was half asleep on the couch, waiting for me.

Shit.

You know how brothers are, they’re nosy, they worry and they’re very protective. I didn’t want him all up in my business, so I did the first thing that popped into my head, when he asked me where I’ve been.

I lied.

I told him, nothing happened, we all went out, lost track of time, but that I was with Blake and Jess the entire night, everything was fine. He just sort of gave me that look, the look that said he didn’t believe me. But nothing and no one was going to make me come out with the story, that I had went out with a guy that I met online, have been communicating with for the past 8 months with and then who I got down and dirty…I should have felt like a slut, but I couldn’t bring myself to tarnish the memory of that night, and Paul was so kind and thoughtful that I kinda did fall a little in love with him that night.

My brother and I went back and forth and I stuck to my story (stupid I know, but I didn’t care) and then he told me, “I’m not going to judge you, you’re free to do whatever you want, but I am going to worry about you if you stay out so late, that’s all,” He was telling me this with this smirk on his face and I swore he was psychic, that he knew everything that happened that night.

It wasn’t until I woke up hours later to brush my teeth that I saw why he was so flippin’ psychic.

My damn shirt was on, inside out and backwards. You couldn’t miss my bright white ass tag on my blacker than black shirt.

Yeah, real smart on my part, huh?

HOO F*CKING YAH!